Bad News

I had my transfer on September 29 and was told to come back in on the following Friday (10/6) to check my progesterone levels and estrogen, and then return on the following Friday (10/13) for the HCG test to find out if I was pregnant.

On Friday (10/6), after my appointment, I received a call from my clinic. Calls after routine appointments are a bit odd. It’s their typical practice to send a text letting me know the portal has been updated, and then there’s usually  message about when to come back in, if I have to change my meds etc… my lab results are also there to review. I answered and it was one of my nurses with the news…she told me that they did the progesterone and estrogen tests, but they also did another test, the HCG test, and I was pregnant!

I was so excited. How could they know so soon???!!!!

Apparently a level over 50 indicates a pregnancy, and I was at 52. I was to return on Monday to check my levels again (they’re supposed to double every 48-72  hours). I immediately called V, we scream and cry and celebrate…As soon as I get home and we do a Clear Blue digital pregnancy test and the words “Pregnant” flash before us. After a lifetime of wanting this…it had happened!  I have never had a positive pregnancy test before and I was completely overcome with emotion…We just held each other and I cried.

I return on Monday for another HCG check, my level is 107. I’m told to return on Thursday (yesterday). V and I start planning our pregnancy announcement. The 12 week mark puts us right around Christmas – my absolute favorite time of the year. My parents and sister are all flying in for Thanksgiving, and we’re planning a trip to see V’s family for Christmas… we are giddy with all the cool ideas on how to share the news. I start watching pregnancy announcement videos on YouTube and start browsing Etsy for a”big sister” onesie for M to wear.

I return on Thursday for another routine blood test. Around lunchtime, after returning from the bathroom, I see I have a missed call and voicemail message. I play the the message and it’s my doctor’s voice. I immediately knew something is wrong.

“S, it’s Dr. W, I hate to have to leave a message like this on your phone….”

I literally felt the color drain from my face and I held on to the side of my couch to brace myself. I took a deep breath and listened. Instead of doubling, my HCG level dropped. It was now 84. He says those results are “very concerning” and that I need to return the following day for a recheck, he goes on to say that  if the number is still low…it will be time for me to stop the medication. He apologizes profusely for leaving such a message, but says he’ll be in surgeries all afternoon and he wanted the news to come from him.

He didn’t say the dreaded m-word in his message, but the tone of his voice was enough to make my eyes well up with tears. I jump on Google to see what a drop in HCG could mean, and there it is – in the overwhelming number of cases, a drop in HCG is indicative of a chemical pregnancy/ impending miscarriage.  I call V in tears and tell her the news.

The only cases I could find where an HCG level drops and then rebounds is when someone has a twin pregnancy (high number), but they loose a twin (number drops), but then the remaining twin continues to grow (number starts increasing again). I only had one embryo transferred.

Another random website claimed dehydration could throw off the results…while there’s no medical evidence to support the validity of this claim, it’s the one I’m clinging on to. I don’t drink enough water. I’m pretty sure I’m dehydrated…

So today is the day when I discover my fate. 13 is my favorite number – so I tell myself that it’s a good sign and not to feed into the general mainstream opinion that Friday the 13th is the unluckiest day on the calendar.  I’m both afraid to be hopeful, and also afraid to loose hope. In two hours I go in for blood work. Then I wait and see.

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